DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend cheated on me and while we are trying to patch up our differences, I’m struggling as she won’t say who she had sex with.
We’re both 22 and have been together for three years since college.
Last month, she started acting really distant. Then, one evening, her best friend — who I get on really well with — FaceTimed me and asked me to get my girlfriend.
My partner was visibly surprised when her friend announced my girlfriend had something to tell me.
Her eyes filled and eventually she confessed she’d been seeing another guy, but she said it was now over.
She was deeply sorry. At first, she said they’d only kissed, but her best friend pushed her to be honest, and she finally admitted she’d slept with him. She wouldn’t tell me who he was, and neither would her friend.
I broke up with her on the spot, but after a few weeks of her messaging to say how sorry she was, I realised I missed her and agreed to give the relationship another go. The problem is, she still won’t tell me who she had the affair with.
She wants to put it in the past and move forward, and thinks hearing all the details will hurt me more and make this impossible.
But I need to know. I don’t think I can get over this or trust her again without all the facts. And it’s made me suspicious of every man she knows — friends, work colleagues, ex-boyfriends.
I keep picturing her with them and it’s driving me crazy with jealousy.
I’ve begged her best mate to tell me, but she says she’s sworn to secrecy, and it’s now between me and my girlfriend.
Do I just let it go for the sake of saving our relationship?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Knowing who this man was – or all the grubby details – isn’t going to change the fact it happened.
It is understandable you want to know who this person is but try not to get hung up on details.
Explain to your girlfriend you need to know who she cheated with, but beyond that focus on what was going wrong with your relationship.
Knowing how many times they had sex, for example, will encourage you to fixate on destructive information.
Better to ask what changes she wants in your relationship, and talk to her about your needs too.
Read my support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, which explains more.
If you don’t think you can forgive, or accept that you might never know the full facts, then perhaps reconsider whether you should stay together.
There’s no point torturing yourselves.
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